he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
