I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
