I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Its about making memories worth repressing
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
