come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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