Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
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