I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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