so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
