Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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