Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
