Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
