He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
