highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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