at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
