I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
