Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Randomize
