Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
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