i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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