just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
