im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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