I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
