i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
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