What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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