Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
