Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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