My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
