hell yes lets make some ravioli
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
