Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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