god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
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