At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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