no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
