Michael Bay diarrhea
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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