May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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