I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
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