It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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