My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
