i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
