Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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