Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
