He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Randomize
