i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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