You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
