I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
