so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
