I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
false alarm, still single
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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