I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
