his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
