it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
People in love make me want to vomit
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Randomize
