dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
