WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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