You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
